Hey, Chick-Fil-A — NOT KOSHER…RCS Fed Up With Gay Marriage Bullshit…Proposes Solution

Okay, folks, I’ve had it.  I am sick to death of this “gay marriage” fiasco.  It seems like every few minutes, I’m bombarded with another news item or anecdotal travesty that showcases bigoted “straight” people beating the hell out of, marginalizing, degrading, humiliating or debasing gay people because they think some weird passage in the Bible somehow makes it okay.

Like This:

16 Year Old Lesbian Violently Beaten By A Group of Men: http://www.shewired.com/soapbox/2012/07/18/16-year-old-lesbian-brutally-beaten-group-men-kentucky

And This: Defending DOMA Is Our Responsibility:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/08/01/kevin-mccarthy-doma_n_1728303.html?utm_hp_ref=gay-marriage

And This:

Parents Urged To Pull Students From Classes With Gay-Accepting Teachers:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/08/08/joseph-baken-montana-gay-man-false-attack-guilty_n_1756215.html?utm_hp_ref=gay-voices

 

 And This:

 

 

 

 

Let me point a few things out to all you assholes who encourage this behavior (by any means, including by accepting it through ignorance):

1) The person/entity who you insist was the ONLY SON of an omniscient, omnipotent, omnibenevolent being (i.e. God/Jehovah) was born unto woman, did a bunch of miracles, and said a bunch of shit to people and NEVER ONCE said anything about homosexuality.  Not one time.  He DID say: do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  Love they neighbor as thyself.  AND to PRAY IN PRIVATE: “Beware of practicing your piety before men in order to be seen by them; for then you will have NO REWARD from your father in Heaven (Matthew 6:1)…But when you pray, go into your room and SHUT the door and pray to your Father…(Matthew 6:7)  Do you think he was wrong?  Was homosexuality some kind of God-type clerical error?  Did Jesus somehow just miss the message about the gays so that now you, in your unearned, unidentifiable, and frankly stinky righteousness have to CORRECT your God?  I mean, I guess me telling you to shut the fuck up is going to be totally ineffective if you won’t even listen to Jesus.

2)  To Chick-Fil-A: I don’t have the right to tell you where to put your money, but I do think that if you guys are going to have a problem with homosexuality because of Old Testament laws, you’d better close your doors.  Your food preparation practices are NOT EVEN CLOSE TO KOSHER.  Let’s face it, you’re in just as much trouble, God-wise, as the gays (maybe more because I’m pretty sure you lose points for being total fuckwits).    It’s both funny and utterly convenient that you happen to be ignoring that.

3) Only REALLY STUPID PEOPLE have to climb up an entire mountain to get told by a carpenter that being nice to other people is in their own best interest.  Seriously, this is what your religion was founded on – one guy who believed so hard that people should treat others as well as they would treat themselves that he sacrificed his life in a particularly horrific manner in order to CEMENT THE IDEA INTO YOUR STUPID HEADS.  AND YOU DIDN’T GET IT.  Each of you “Christians” out there, wearing your cross, and gluing your Jesus fish to the trunk of your car while advocating that ANYBODY be put behind a fence and left to die, while saying THAT ANYONE IS LESS THAN YOU, while TREATING HUMAN BEINGS LIKE THEY’RE OBJECTS – you, each and every one of you – is walking by the prone, whipped, still breathing body of Jesus, and taking a mighty crap right in his mouth.  Way to go. 

That being said (and I imagine that you are beginning to be able to tell my level of total piss-offed-ness from what you’ve just read), the RCS is here to provide you with a solution to the whole “gay marriage” thing.

 That’s right.  If you can’t play nicely and share, then NO ONE GETS TO PLAY AT ALL!  If  gay people don’t get to get married, then no one does.  There is NOTHING in the Constitution protecting ANYONE’S right to get married.  It’s just been a thing we’ve done, a hollow convention that has become outdated and archaic.  There is absolutely no reason for either the federal or the state governments to encourage marriage. In fact, with a national divorce rate of over 52%, marriage is actually screwing more shit up than it’s helping.  If you “Christians” can’t see that gay marriage doesn’t hurt you ONE LITTLE BIT, then fine: you don’t get to be married either.

Here’s the Plan:

1) The federal government shall abolish all benefits that are extended to a legal spouse including: tax relief, all insurance, and inheritance privileges

2) All marriages previously established under law will hereby be legally dissolved.

3)  Marriage will no longer be regarded as a legal state, and dissolution of any  “union “ will  hereby be regarded in the same manner as the end of a Limited Liability Partnership.

4)  People of consenting age (18) will be able to be joined in any private ceremony of their choosing, but will receive no benefits, financial or otherwise from the state.

You want to get married?  Go for it.  You get nothing.   Nada.  If you want insurance, you get to carry it for yourself.  If you want to leave all your stuff to your church-spouse, write a damned will.  If you want to make sure that your God-wife  can visit you in the hospital when you get sick, write a living will.  If you want to change your last name, go to the court-house.  AND, you can damn sure pay the same taxes as all the rest of us.  No breaks for ANYONE.  Everyone is equal under the law.  If you hate it, TOO BAD.  You fucked it up for all of us.  Frankly, I’m having a hard time mustering any sympathy for you: I’m single.

One further note: you have NO RIGHT to be deeply disturbed about how any two consenting adults have sex.  I think your concern is positively prurient.  It’s not ANY OF YOUR DAMNED BUSINESS.  EVER.  So get your nose out of everybody’s crotches, try to read your Bible without moving your lips or thumping it, and be GRATEFUL that you get to live in a country where nobody’s shining a Maglite through your bedroom window checking on where you’re putting YOUR no-no tackle.

Show ‘em what you think:

You can order it here: http://www.zazzle.com/gay_okay_t_shirt-235716745091730741

Note: a photograph in an earlier version of this blog of a young man in Montana who had allegedly been bashed has been removed.  It was reported today in the Huffington Post that this photograph was part of a hoax.  You can read the story here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/08/08/joseph-baken-montana-gay-man-false-attack-guilty_n_1756215.html?utm_hp_ref=gay-voices/. This does not, however, mitigate the fact that there are 1,000′s of real and verified  gay bashing incidents that happen each year in the United States – not including those that go unreported for various reasons (not the least of which is social stigma).  One is too many. 

About rubberchickensociety

The Rubber Chicken Society is a loosely knit collective of free thinkers who support and enjoy chicken related humor.
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8 Responses to Hey, Chick-Fil-A — NOT KOSHER…RCS Fed Up With Gay Marriage Bullshit…Proposes Solution

  1. moi? says:

    A-fucking-men! *sigh* tell me about it man, fucking exasperating. we need society. we need order. we need laws. but yes, to tell you the truth, i have no idea if the constitution is based on “righteous”-puritan-religious shit (‘hem laws ain’t stupidly obtuse so i doubt it -thanks founding fathers, for having sense! even though i wasn’t born in this country, per se) but one thing i know: religions overstayed their welcome and became unpragmatic the moment self-proclamed “holier-than-thou” ass-wipes became fanatics and made them obsolete (and thus the actual pragmatic fill was lost forever. so much for loving your fellow humans). you, incognizant, sophomoric, asinine, vitriolic troglodytes are holding society back just by sheer stupidity! *facebook update*: moving to Tralfamadore. hopefully Trafamadorians aren’t racist douchebags.

  2. Phew! That feels good, doesn’t it?! I’m glad you’re on our side! ;)

  3. OLIC says:

    Amen, sister. Cafeteria Christianity makes me stabby.

    The last couple of times I ate at Chick-Fil-A (which has been a while), I noticed that I was not as enthusiastic about their chicken as I had been years ago., It just tasted off to me. Guess it was the hate.

  4. OLIC says:

    “I guess me telling you to shut the fuck up is going to be totally ineffective if you won’t even listen to Jesus.” is so great I wish I’d said it.

  5. Every time I’ve been to a Chick-fil-A, half the place was flaming. I’m surprised the sprinkler systems never went off. Bad move, C-f-A.

    Still, worse are people boycotting Chick-fil-A for this; little do they know that if they started boycotting all the companies whose CEOs didn’t like homosexuals, they’d have to throw out at least half the shit they own and stop eating at most restaurants. Maybe after shutting one’s self off to 60% of all businesses in existence, one would start to think, “hey, what the fuck does chicken sandwiches have to do with gay rights? Holy shit–NOTHING.”

    • Yeah, I can’t decide whether or not a fried chicken based cultural revolution is the way to go. On the one hand, it’s totally gross and beneath the gay movement. On the other, fried chicken is probably the only way anyone is going to get the attention of us obese Americans.

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