Week’s Best:

I Always Suspected That Kermie Was A Stoner.

Thanks, Charles McVey, for posting these.  Stay tuned for links to Pony Boy’s super creepy new album/video.
 

Week’s Worst:

Francine Siddaway, a hospital cleaner,  got fired in England for wearing what she describes as “Egyptian style makeup.”  You can read the full HuffPost article here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/07/08/francine-siddaway-fired-makeup_n_1657426.html.  Be sure to check out the comments wherein Siddaway’s look is often described as “angel of death chic,” and it’s hypothesized that she was fired for “scaring the patients.”

Francine Siddaway
(Photo Courtesy The Daily Mail)

Mainly, she’s just wearing a butt-ton of eyeliner.  I mean, we all go crazy with the kohl pencil sometimes — what’s the big deal?  As to scaring the patients, wasn’t Egyptian-style makeup a huge trend back in the day?

Louise Brooks, circa 1930.

Why would old people be scared of make-up that they probably WORE?  And are YOUNG people that much wussier than OLD people?  Also, how much contact does a hospital cleaner actually have with the patients?  Usually, when I’m in the hospital, I’m too sick to care who’s cleaning the floor.

As to makeup (as the HuffPost asserts) being a woman’s armour: wow, is this ever a fucked up world.  The idea you have to put on a lot of eyeliner to be confident is just crazy, but everyone does it.  In fact, we’re so indoctrinated with the idea that makeup not only makes us look better, but that it also makes us more powerful, that we buy billions of dollars worth of cosmetics every year.  What an advertising coup!  This is possibly the most awesome TOTAL LIE ever!  And we all believe it!  I, for instance, knew personally (and on a very real level) that a lipstick called “Native Taboo” was going to instantaneously make me 89.3% hotter, so I bought and wore it.  Then, when it totally failed to work, I blamed myself, NOT THE BULLSHIT ADVERTISING, and will almost certainly soon buy another stupid lipstick (probably called something like Believably Butternut).

We as women know a couple of things, though.  First, we know that makeup in and of  itself doesn’t really give us an iota of god damned power, but we also know that looking good does.  For years, a woman’s worth was assigned first by her looks, then by her ability to whelp, and after that by whether or not she was a good cook.  So women wanted to look good because then they actually got treated as though they had some real value  It’s just not as fun to be possessed of “quality breedin’ hips” as it is to be legitimately beautiful.  And, to some lesser extent, whether we admit it or not, this is still the norm.  Men say (consistently and convincingly — way to go, dudes) that the primary qualities that they’re searching for in a mate are “intelligence” and “sense of humor,” but I don’t hear very many wolf whistles directed at ugly, funny girls.  Looks turn us on – that’s the bottom line –and keeping someone in a perpetual state of hormonal imbalance is an excellent way to fuck with them.  HOWEVER, if we as women TRULY and FOR TOTAL REALSIES want to be respected for our wit and intelligence, we have to get away from the idea that “looks” are what give us ultimate power.  Women, as a sex, are going to have to start assigning smart, funny girls with leadership roles, and just hope that the tongue hanging out, lust driven males follow suit (this is a generalization, boy-o’s, if you’re not like this, cool — you must, however, admit that many of your counterparts ARE).

That being said, I’ll probably still buy stupid lipsticks and crazy hair products derived from recently discovered “special aloe plants that only grow in properly cultured fruit bat guano, but will make your hair shine with the brilliance of 1000 suns.”  I’m also, however, going to pay attention to smart people, and try to ignore the way OTHER people look as much as possible.  So, YOU GO FRANCINE SIDDAWAY!  You rock that goth bullshit until springtime flowers melt your dark-assed soul.  Sue the bejesus out of’ ‘em!