See No…Hear No…Speak No…VAGINA?!?!?!
Last Thursday, the Republicans (party slogan: “we only like the pussy we pay for, AND JESUS.”) banned two Michigan lawmakers from making further comment because they — WAIT FOR IT — used the word “vagina” while debating new anti-abortion proposals. EVIDENTLY, the v-word is inappropriate for the Michigan Senate floor, even though 1) it’s now pretty clear that babies come out of them, 2) it’s a medical term, and 3)it’s STILL the number one orifice associated with abortions.
What the hell? How are you even supposed to talk about abortions if you don’t bring up the baby trebuchet? If we just pretend that the sin gash doesn’t exist, then maybe we can fantasize away all necessity for abortions. I mean if there’s no hot pocket for Mr. Pepperoni to slip his Hillshire Farms love log into, then there’s also no excess baby cheese after nine long months of microwaving…WTF? Just call the god damned thing a vagina, or call it a cunt, or call it a love taco, or a fun factory, or the juicer, or orgazmo, or bajingo, or JAWS — just call it something and move on. Who cares? Approximately 53% of the population is currently in possession of at least 1 vagina of questionable resale value. THAT’S MOST OF US. If I have to see adverts for “feminine wash,” tampons, and those awful maxi pads with the pube catching side stickers on EVERY GOD DAMNED TELEVISION SHOW I WATCH INCLUDING REPEATS OF THE MOVIE “ALIEN VS. PREDATOR” then you Michigan-based asshole Republicans need to shut the fuck up and let a woman say the word, “vagina.” Either that, or you’d better start trying to get all that crap advertising that tries to make you think that multicolored tampons are somehow going to make bleeding from your groove tube SUPER FUN, OFF THE AIR.
To be honest, I’m sure what the Republicans were actually angriest about was that Representative Lisa Brown said, “I’m flattered you’re all so concerned about my vagina, but no means no.” People who are speaking in the State House CLEARLY are not supposed to be in possession of vaginas to begin with. “Who let her in here with that thing?” they were probably whispering amongst themselves. “Why didn’t she get SEARCHED?” “Do you think it’s LOADED?”
Basically, for the past 92 years (since the 19th Amendment to the Constitution was passed in 1920) everyone’s just been successfully pretending that women representatives really AREN’T anatomically female at all — they’re just some kind-of pseudo-vaudevillian drag show set up as a comic foil for all the pontificating penis packers. Thus, when Representative Brown acknowledged that she did, in fact, HAVE an ACTUAL vagina, 727 sorts of hell broke loose.
In response, The RCS, in conjunction with the Bajingo Liberation Front, would like to provide you Republicans (party slogan: “We weren’t lying, we were just exaggerating”) with a soothing list of reasons why vaginas aren’t a threat to your life, liberty, or pursuit of happiness:
There — see, no threat. Can you please decrease your vagina-threat-o-meter down to DEFCON 5 (the lowest score) and get back to work? We are, after all, PAYING YOU FOR THIS.
UPDATE: I made y’all Michiganites this really cool bumper sticker with awesome trekkie lettering. It’s only like $4.00′s on zazzle.com. Don’t you think it would be awesome just to have a bunch of vagina cars rolling around the state? What could they do? Anyway, here it is:
You can buy it here: http://www.zazzle.com/space_vagina_bumpersticker-128978091110894492
Hey Folks, WHILE YOU’RE HERE — check out our FIRST EVER video:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Wnl4Y4wtrs&feature=youtu.be
Perfect! We’d better watch it or carrying a concealed vagina will be a punishable offense before we know it.
Maybe I should draft up vaginal conceal and carry licenses (you know, like business card sized) so all us ladies can be documented when the pussy police stop us!
The part that boggles my mind is that liberals keep saying they don’t want government involved in their decision to have an abortion….”keep government out of my womb” etc. Then, they support a system wherein the abortion clinic must be government inspected and registered, the doctors and nurses must be government approved and licensed, the medications used to sedate the mother and those used to kill the unborn child are government approved, the instruments used by the abortionist must be government approved and even the methods of killing the unborn child must meet government criteria. The only way to get government out of abortions is to have a back-alley abortion…….yet that is what liberals claim will be the result of government intrusion into abortion.
Everything’s regulated. Even potted meat products. I don’t think the substantive argument here is about government regulation of medical procedures. I’m pretty sure its about whether or not the government has the right to force a woman to carry a fetus to term. Personally, I’m okay with there being standards and practices within the medical profession. It just takes one asshole who’s too cheap to use an autoclave to really ruin your whole day. Thanks for the comment!
Hi! Thanks for your comment, and for the link. Enjoyed reading this. In the spirit of sharing, here’s the link to a vagina puppet on youtube ;) Talking body parts and rubber chickens seem to go together.
HA HA HA! Loved the video! Who the hell glues rhinestones on their bajingo, though? Is that a porn thing?
It’s call v-gazzle -ing. And I’d never heard of it either. But apparently Jennifer Love Hewitt does it to herself when she wants to feel special. (So, yes, it must be a porn thing.)
EWWW!!! We call her Jennifer Love Hugetitz. It’s probably wrong, but still funny.
OUTSTANDING!
Thank you!
Loved your post, and your use of “sin gash.” I haven’t heard of that one before!
Thanks! It’s one of my faves!
Also, in the sprit of sharing, I’d like to admit that I like getting my period.
Thanks for sharing. I’m glad your friends with Flo.
State of the Vagina. Love it.
Wait til you read today’s. I’m gonna get it for this one.