CALM DOWN PEOPLE… RCS Reveals Top 10 Reasons Why Canadian Gay Porn Cannibal Luka Rocco Magnotta Is NOT a Zombie

Are Tank Tops From Baby Gap The “In” Thing In Creepy This Year?

Okay, look: I know there’s been an awful lot of cannibalism going around lately, and it’s freaking me out, too.  But the worst thing to do in a bad situation is panic.  We’ve got to keep logical heads on our shoulders, and analyze zombie threats based on their validity.  After some thoughtful research, the RCS Zombie Identification System has determined that Canadian cannibal killer Luka Rocco Magnotta is NOT, in fact, a zombie.  He’s probably way worse, but NO Z-BUG.

 

Top 10 Reasons Why That Creepy Canadian Gay Porn  Cannibal Guy Is NOT a Zombie:

  1. He keeps his leftovers in the refrigerator
  2. He filmed his acts for posterity, AND posted them to www.bestgore.com (a website that I’m totally chicken to look at.  If you look, leave me a comment and let me know how gross it is on a scale of Smurfs to Human Centipede.  Thanks!).
  3. This is nasty, but zombies don’t have sex with dead people.  Magnotta  = grosser than zombie.  He wrote: “It’s not cool to the world being a necrophiliac. It’s bloody lonely. But I don’t really care, I have never cared what people thought of me, most people are judgmental idiots. I’m unable to talk to anybody about it and there’s always the knowledge that 99% of people would be repulsed by me if they found out about my feelings. Some people would even want to harm me.”  Really?  No shit?  Most people don’t want you humping their dead grandma?  Who would’ve thought?
  4. Knife and FORK?  Zombies don’t use utensils.
  5. He packed a torso in a suitcase.  Zombies don’t pack – they don’t even carry those all-my-belongings-and-also-a-lot-of-snot-are-packed-in-this-bandana sticks.
  6. He can unravel the mysteries of the Canadian postal service.
  7. He hates politicians, or loves politicians.  I’m unsure on this one, but he mailed a foot to the Conservative Party of Canada, and tried to mail a hand to the Liberal Party of Canada.  Zombies are a-political.  Your typical politician doesn’t have enough brains for a real zombie to be interested.
  8. He parties in Europe.  This kinda pisses me off.  How come mean old kitten-suffocating crazed killers get to go hang out and party in Paris and Berlin while I gotta sit here trying to find ANYTHING funny about the grossest crap ever?  Jealous.  Pouting.
  9. He frequents internet cafes (he got busted at one in Berlin.  Somehow, I doubt a for realsies zombie would need to check his facebook).
  10. He’s Canadian.  Seriously, I imagine a Canadian zombie would just be super polite, never litter, and would probably like sharing.  If a Canadian zombie was trying to eat you, you could probably just say, “Please don’t eat me, Canadian zombie,” and he’d say, “Alrighty then.”  Danger averted.

Thus, we’ve determined that there aren’t any confirmed instances of Canadian zombies, yet.  Florida — I’m looking at you.  What’s the deal down there?  Why aren’t the toxicology reports back yet?  What are you hiding?  You guys had better prove that you haven’t accidentally made a bunch of flesh sucking zombies, or you’re officially going to be Cuba’s problem.  I’ll bet Castro thought we’d never get him back for releasing all those crazies and convicts in the 80′s and putting them on boats to America.  I can’t wait to send him zombie-riddled Florida.  Payback’s a bitch, former el Presidente.  Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em.

Fidel Relaxing. Not Pictured: AK-47.

 

 

 

 

 

 

You can read more about the Magnotta case here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/06/04/luka-rocco-magnotta-suspected-canadian-killer_n_1564298.html.  It’s gross.  Trust me.

About rubberchickensociety

The Rubber Chicken Society is a loosely knit collective of free thinkers who support and enjoy chicken related humor.
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2 Responses to CALM DOWN PEOPLE… RCS Reveals Top 10 Reasons Why Canadian Gay Porn Cannibal Luka Rocco Magnotta Is NOT a Zombie

  1. jenn says:

    We would also apologize for trying to eat you.

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