I’m feeling quite a bit of anxiety today, due to the fact that my 6 month old puppy is currently at the vet’s getting her lady innards ripped out. I hated to do it to her, but I didn’t want dog menses on the new rugs, and the world certainly doesn’t need any more Lab and (?) mixed puppies. Still, I am a DOG BETRAYER.
Anyway, since I’m feeling TOTALLY HORRIBLY GUILTY, I figured today would be a good day for us to explore the wonderful tale of Kelly’s parents’ dog, Doug. Here’s his story:
The Saga of Doug “Lightning Balls” Johnson
Okay, so what you need to know first is that Kelly’s parents’ house gets struck by lightning like 10 times a year. It’s amazing. Any time there’s a nasty thunderstorm, the first thing Kelly does is call her mother to see if the house got hit again. They’ve had to replace ALL their appliances like three time because the “lightnin’ got ‘em” and one time Kelly’s Dad got attacked by electricity running down the walls through the wiring. No one can figure out exactly WHY their house keeps getting hit. The most popular theory circulating at the moment is that the house is built on an Indian burial ground. Pretty much, Kelly’s Dad is just buying stock in circuit breakers and hoping for the best.
Kelly’s parents have a boxer dog named Doug. They’ve had Doug for about 9 years. One day when Kelly’s Dad was at work, Doug approached him and just followed him around for the rest of the day. Kelly’s Dad asked everyone he worked with if Doug was theirs, but they all said, “No.” So Kelly’s Dad headed home for the night. The next day, he went back to work, and Doug was still there. That night, Kelly’s pa took Doug home with him. Doug was still pretty much a puppy and was totally starving. Kelly’s parents fed him, and named him. “My Dad just thought Doug would be a cool name for a dog,” Kelly said.
Another fact that is totally relevant to this story is that Doug the Dog had a MASSIVE set of balls, which he was intensely proud of. These are the kind of balls that you feel really uncomfortable looking at when a dog ass passes in front of you, but they’re such a total train wreck you can’t help but look. Kelly says that Doug’s balls hung down around his knees, and that the second anyone came up to him, he would roll over on his back, spread his legs, and show ‘em off. Doug LOVED his balls.
Last year, tragedy struck. Doug lives in a dog house in Kelly’s parents’ backyard. The dog house has a tin roof and is next to a shed which ALSO has a tin roof. The shed is next to a tree. Remember how Kelly’s parents’ house always gets struck by lightning? Well, lightning struck the tree, transferred to the tin roof of the shed, jumped to the roof of the dog house, went THROUGH DOUG (who was hiding in his house), and exited his body VIA HIS BALLS. We think that this happened because Doug’s balls were so huge that they were the part of his body most in contact with the ground. Doug’s balls got pretty burnt — and Doug is now totally TERRIFIED of thunderstorms. Kelly says that if Doug sees a single cloud in the sky, he takes off hell-bent for shelter. Anyway, Kelly’s Dad didn’t want to hack off a twin masterpiece like the one Doug was sporting, so he spent the last year investing in various vet-recommended antibiotics, salves, and CREAMS. Yep, you’re following. Kelly’s Dad has spent the last year trying to cure Doug’s nuts by rubbing them with salve. This shows dedication, I think.
Yesterday, Kelly’s parents’ finally threw in the towel on their sack-saving mission. Doug “Lightning Balls” Johnson was neutered. Poor Doug. From everyone here at the RCS, you have our deepest sympathies.