Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit — it’s on y’all. The zombie apocalypse is actually beginning. Last Saturday in Miami (of course) a police officer shot a naked guy who was basically EATING ANOTHER MAN’S FACE. The officer told the naked guy to stop chewing on the other guy’s eyeballs (literally) and the naked dude growled at the cop. So the cop shot him. The wound wasn’t fatal, and it didn’t stop the guy. At this point, near as I can tell, the cop just freaked the fuck out and discharged all the rounds in his service weapon into the naked dude — finally killing him. CBS Miami reported, “With the attacker dead, lying nude on the pavement, officers and paramedics were able to get to his victim and rush him to Jackson Memorial Hospital. Police sources say the man had virtually no face and was unrecognizable.” You can read the whole story here: http://miami.cbslocal.com/2012/05/26/miami-police-confrontation-men-leaves-1-dead-1-hurt/. Here’s the news report on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HnKteSaGAR4. Most of the pictures are just of a cop car by an overpass, though — and traffic.
The cops are saying that what’s causing this is a bad batch of LSD circulating around Miami with the street name “bath salts.” Evidently, this drug raises the human body temperature to the extent that the body can no longer use logic or feel pain. Also, it causes people to get naked.
Okay, I really hope that’s true, because I’m a little freaked out here. I’ve seen enough zombie movies to know that everybody on the scene was totally exposed. Y’all know that the guy who was getting eaten, the cop, the ambulance workers, the doctors at the hospital, and et cetera ad infinitum WERE NOT WEARING SUPER CRAZY BIOHAZARD ANTI-CONTAMINATION SUITS. Which means that, by like tomorrow (considering the exponential nature of the spread of the Z-Bug), pretty much all of Florida is going to be infected. Luckily, I have a PLAN.
I think you’ll all agree with me when I say that Florida is a peninsula. Here’s what we do — we just amputate Florida with a bigassed space laser. You think we don’t have a bigassed Florida amputating space laser? God, you’re so naieve. The government’s been wanting to get rid of Florida basically since they screwed Ponce de Leon out of the Fountain of Youth (in other words, since before the government was a government). Just think about it, Florida costs us more money than any other state in disaster relief and social security. Now that it’s got the Z-Bug, we can finally get some much needed tax breaks. Also, Jeb Bush is there. And Disney World. A lot of evil could be totally eradicated with just one pulse from the badass space laser. Just sayin’.
Just in case everybody is not totally for my Florida dumping PLAN, I think we’d better all start stockpiling weapons and uncontaminated food and water. Also, you probably need to purchase some of this for when you run totally out of hooch and are confronted with facing actual reality:
No matter how you slice it, this is going to suck. Thanks, Florida. Your warm moist climate, and creative drug manufacturing have combined to make flesh eating zombies. I guess Disney World should have been a warning. Assholes.
Update: For a timeline and only the grossest zombie pics, click here: http://modernbaalim.wordpress.com/2012/05/29/zombie-outbreak-in-miami/. Good luck not barfing.