Last night, my beautiful, genius niece made me what can only be described as THE MOST AMAZING BRACELET EVER!
Here it is:
I asked the kid to make this for me because when I’m faced with a difficult decision, (like should I enter the Kumite Tournament even though it’s against the orders of the army, people get injured and die all the time, and a mean dude beat up my friend) I need to think about what Jean Claude Van Damme would do. The answer is ALWAYS “The Splits” — a badass move in JCVD land. And that’s what I eternally need, a kickass move that looks so totally ridiculous that my enemies collapse in a fit of laughter so intense that they’re not looking when I bash them in the face with a brick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know you need one, too. “Where can I get one of those badass bracelets?” you’re probably squealing. Since my niece is only 14, I don’t think that I should create a sweat shop type environment in the garage and set her to making bracelets for you folks all day. I think I’d probably be deprived of my kid-watching priveleges if I did that, and then I wouldn’t have anyone to fetch me beers. So, in lieu of possible jail time, I have made you the following keychain. It’s not anywhere near as rad as my bracelet, but it’s the best I can do on zazzle.
You can buy this mothereffer here: http://www.zazzle.com/what_would_jean_claude_van_damme_do-146867495403501546.
I’m working on getting some plastic wristbands printed up for all you campers who want one (and for me to give away in bars). The wristband game is a pretty complex racket, however, and I’m having difficulty navigating the choppy rip-off seas. Stay tuned.
Thanks to GregPKeaton who reminded me of JCVD’s proclivity for the splits. Awesome call, “dude.”