Last night, my beautiful, genius niece made me what can only be described as THE MOST AMAZING BRACELET EVER!

Here it is:

What WOULD Jean Claude Van Damme Do?

I asked the kid to make this for me because when I’m faced with a difficult decision,  (like should I enter the Kumite Tournament even though it’s against the orders of the army, people get injured and die all the time, and a mean dude beat up my friend) I need to think about what Jean Claude Van Damme would do.  The answer is ALWAYS “The Splits” — a badass move in JCVD land.  And that’s what I eternally need, a kickass move that looks so totally ridiculous that my enemies collapse in a fit of laughter so intense  that they’re not looking when I bash them in the face with a brick.  Yeah, yeah, yeah.  I know you need one, too.  “Where can I get one of those badass bracelets?” you’re probably squealing.  Since my niece is only 14, I don’t think that I should create a sweat shop type environment in the garage and set her to making bracelets for you folks all day.  I think I’d probably be deprived of my kid-watching priveleges if I did that, and then I wouldn’t have anyone to fetch me beers.  So, in lieu of possible jail time, I have made you the following keychain.  It’s not anywhere near as rad as my bracelet, but it’s the best I can do on zazzle.

You can buy this mothereffer here: http://www.zazzle.com/what_would_jean_claude_van_damme_do-146867495403501546.

I’m working on getting some plastic wristbands printed up for all you campers who want one (and for me to give away in bars).  The wristband game is a pretty complex racket, however, and I’m having difficulty navigating the choppy rip-off seas.  Stay tuned.

Thanks to GregPKeaton who reminded me of JCVD’s proclivity for the splits.  Awesome call, “dude.”