Holy Hyperbole, Batman … Charles Worley Supporter Attempts to Defend Beleagured Minister — Anderson Cooper Befuddled

Captain Argument, Stacey Pritchard

More awesome news on the Anderson Cooper front today, folks.  The other night, Anderson invited Master-Debater Stacey Pritchard (a member of Gay Rights Pioneer Charles Worley’s congregation) on his show (“Anderson 360″ — where evidently you get to see Anderson Cooper from every possible camera angle)  to defend the words of her pastor.  You can watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ez0AMf2U5RU.  Suffice it to say that this woman couldn’t argue her way out of a paper bag if she was equipped with a flame thrower.

One of Ms. Pritchard’s first assertions is that Pastor Worley may have SAID that he wanted to chuck all the gays and lesbians behind a fence, but that he would (of course) never “want it to be actually done.”  “Of course people are gonna take it and make it their own way and think what they want to,” says Pritchard, “but I agree with what the sermon was, and what it was about.”  Clearly, Ms. Pritchard is attempting (with what is admittedly a limited vocabulary) to indicate that Mr. Worley was employing the time honored technique of hyperbole to make his “point.”  Just to be clear, let’s start with a definition of terms.

Hyperbole: an extravagant statement or figure of speech not meant to be taken literally, an exaggeration.

Here are some examples of hyperbole:

Pastor Charles Worley’s prostate is so enlarged that it looks like a slaughterin’ hog right around Christmas.

Stacey Pritchard’s argument defending Charles Worley was so dumb  that the American IQ dropped a collective 15 points after her appearance on “Anderson 360.”

Pastor Worley’s church may boast 1,200 seats, but the congregation only has three last names.

Last year the Providence Road Baptist chuch raised enough money to feed 46,000 starving people, which just about paid for their 4th of July picnic.

Aww, did I say some hurtful things?  I didn’t mean them.  Really it was JUST AN EXAGGERATION.  Pastor Worley: I really only think your prostate is a LITTLE huge.  Ms. Pritchard: it’s probably only ME who feels dumber (and like I need a shower) after watching your performance.  Providence Road Baptists: I’m sure you have at LEAST four last names (but I still bet at least six of you met your spouse at your family reunion), and probably only ate enough food to feed 20,000 people at your 4th of July picnic (but enough mayonaisse to serve 30,000).  See, when I tell you I didn’t LITERALLY mean it, it makes it all better, RIGHT?

Here’s my question: if the idea of putting gay people behind an electrified fence is just an exaggeration for emphasis, then exactly WHAT is the basis for exaggeration?  Maybe Worley only wants to put people behind a white picket fence and bring them apple pies on Tuesdays.  Wow, he should have said.

If you have some Worley-directed hyperbole that you’d like to add to this article, leave a comment below.  I’ll email him our best ones next week so that he can learn about the best ways to employ exaggerated speech.  Maybe next time he can sound a little more like W.H. Auden and a little less like Hitler. Hyperbole the hell out him, campers!    

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The Rubber Chicken Society is a loosely knit collective of free thinkers who support and enjoy chicken related humor.
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6 Responses to Holy Hyperbole, Batman … Charles Worley Supporter Attempts to Defend Beleagured Minister — Anderson Cooper Befuddled

  1. Dickjutsu says:

    Hmm, hyperboles?
    “Pastor Worley is such a great Christian, Jesus probably wants to put him on a cross.”
    Nah, that one’s pretty weak and obfuscated.
    “Pastor Worley’s idea of Christianity is so backwards, he prays to Pontius Pilate, instead of Christ.”
    “Josef Stalin cringes when Pastor Worley speaks.”
    ~RCS

  2. OLIC says:

    i’ve got one: This blog post is so great I want to marry it and have its little blog babies. Oh wait, that’s the truth, not hyperbole.

  3. I know I’m late but Jesus and I have been busy selling WWCWD bracelets down at the car wash in an effort to raise money for Mrs. Pritchard’s first ever schoolin’ books. Jesus wants to learn her to read.

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