A vigilant RCS’er recently informed me about the wonders of Charles Worley, a North Carolina God Botherer who thinks that all gay people should be put behind electrified fences and left to die. You can see him preach here:
. I couldn’t resist commenting, so I sent Mr. Worley an email. Here’s what I wrote:
Dear Pastor Charles Worley,
Good job on getting national publicity for your ideas. I’ll bet that you’ve gotten a lot of responses to your recent sermon in which you advocated putting all the gays and lesbians behind electrified fences. I know that you’re pretty much enamored with this concept, but (before you propose legislation to this effect) I think you should look a bit more closely at the details – after all, God is in them.
Let’s break it down. According to recent legitimate surveys, there are approximately 9 million people who identify as LGBT in the United States. You say that you want to build two 100 mile long electrified fences (one for boys and one for girls – although why it’s necessary to separate the sexes in this instance is kinda beyond me – isn’t the whole problem you have that males aren’t interested in females and vice versa). I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt here and imagine that what you MEAN is that you’re going to build two 100 square mile electrified enclosures (otherwise those canny gays would probably just walk around the end of the fence – crafty bastards!). So let’s do some basic math here: if you plan on putting 4.5 million people in a 100 square mile area that means that there will be something like 45,000 people per square mile. Just to put this in perspective: New York City has a population density of about 26,000 people/square mile. If you divide this out even further, it equals approximately 9 people/square foot. Now, unless you’re doing some kind of clown car geometry, I think you’ll find it difficult to cram 9 humans into one square foot – unless you do what New York did, and build up. I think this is a terrific idea. Let the gays build their own 100 square mile cities. I’ll bet those guys on the DIY Network could do a hell of a lot with 100 square miles. Frankly, they’d probably be the nicest, most well designed cities in America once they were done. And that’s where the problem with electrifying the fence comes in. I know that you probably got the idea from “The Hunger Games,” and I think it’s nice that you take your grandchildren to films about a totalitarian post apocalyptic government. I’ll bet that concept really hits home in your family environment! However, I think that you might have failed to notice several salient points regarding the fence in that story – the most important of which is that it is pivotal to the entire plot that the FENCE DIDN’T WORK. And that’s what’s going to happen to your fence, too. Sorry, but this is the 21st century. Humans are aware of how to circumvent electricity. That’s why you should let the gay twin cities be built, and also why you should arduously raise money for their construction. Who would want to leave paradise? If you leave off the fence, the cities could be self-sustaining in five years through tourism revenues alone! Look, your idea just keeps getting MORE awesome! Also, you really don’t have to worry about the population of gay people in the cities dying out. I think you may have a bit of an inaccurate view on how this whole gay thing works. Gay people are MOSTLY born to straight parents. That’s not going to change just because you sequester an entire segment of the population. Thus, you’ve solved your own population problem. YOU RULE! Can I get an “Amen?”
Thanks for being so awesome and solving all of America’s problems. I’m pretty sure gay people don’t want to live next to you, either.
RCS Press Representative
And THAT, mothereffers, is JENGA
If any of you want to respond to Mr. Worley, he can be reached at this address:
Providence Road Baptist Church
3283 Providence Mill Road
Maiden, NC 28650
This one was for Charles McVey, who accepted a live chicken for his 18th birthday with considerable aplomb. Love you, Chuck. If I ever get a farm, your gay chicken can totally live on it. Happy Birthday!