A departure from the norm:
This really doesn’t have anything to do with anything, but I’d just like it to be noted that my dogs think I’m totally incompetent. Right now, (as I’m writing this) I’ve had two dog heads peep over the arm of the chair, stare at the screen, and then turn and look at me with an expression of total worry. Evidently, holding a degree in English is not a sufficient qualification for being a blogger – at least according to dogs. I know they think that I’m doing this wrong because they think I do everything wrong. If I open the refrigerator, some dog is sure to show up just to make sure that the operation goes smoothly. “You REALLY don’t want to mess this up,” they seem to be saying. When I’m driving, I have a constant spotter (albeit one who gets distracted when we pass a neighborhood cat or ((God forbid)) a SQUIRREL). They monitor me when I’m feeding them, acting for all the world like an old lady with one of those plastic coin purses counting out pennies and making sure that they’re not short changed even ONE yummy dog food pellet. Every time I go to make the bed, the puppy jumps on top of the unmade mattress to supervise, as it were, from height. And I haven’t even mentioned what they do to me when I try to pee. Closing the door while urinating seems to be perceived by dogs as the apex of danger. They scratch and try to break the door down. I expect that they think I’m sure to drown. Also, I am kinda peeing in their emergency water bowl, but I don’t think they really mind that bit.
I don’t know what it is about dogs that makes them think that they are intellectually superior to everyone in the family (with the possible exception of the cat). They can’t open the refrigerator or drive the car. They certainly can’t type, and their grasp of the English language only seems to extend to words that lead to things dogs enjoy like “outside,” “walk,” “go,” “truck,” and the ever-popular, “treat.” I can only imagine that their inflated view of their own intelligence can only come from their observation of human beings. For instance, at least twice a day I pick up a plethora of duct-tape-repaired dog toys that are constantly strewn across the ocean of brown shag carpet. Each time, I return them to the “dog basket” or toy box, and every time the puppy watches me intently. Seconds after I deposit the weird stuffed dogs and frogs in the basket, the dog runs up to me and dumps a toy in my lap. After reflecting on this situation, I’ve realized that it is just possible that the dog thinks I am the worst-ever hide-n-seek player. “Every single time you hide the toys in the same place! I ALWAYS find them right away! Stupid human!” In retrospect, I’m probably not advancing my agenda.
Still, I can’t help but be offended that bunch of inveterate turd lickers think I’m a total moron who needs to be watched at all times. I mean, on the surface, dogs seem to be the ultimate short-bus riders. They chase their own tails, it takes them AGES to figure out that they can just jump over a baby gate, and my puppy is so confused by the mirror in the hallway that she has self-directed barking fits three times a day. Idiots, right? But then there is the farting. The farts change everything. How can an animal be considered stupid, when it can mount a strategic fart initiative that can effectively poison an ENTIRE POPULATION with no collateral damage to Team Hound? I know that the dogs are using farts as weapons because the big dog (166lbs of max-power stink) always comes and lays in front of my chair with his ass aimed (tail up) directly at my face every time he’s about to let loose a barrage of hot ass garbage. Also, what about the SBD’s (Silent But Deadlys)? Dogs have a tendency to do be sneaky about their bombardments, walking by you and silently leaving a trail of horrible toxins in their wake. It takes a moment for you to realized that you’ve just been gassed, and dogs must find your reaction somewhat akin to “shock and awe.” “JESUS!” you might holler after your nose hair has been singed off, “WHAT THE HELL DID YOU EAT?” And the farting is just all part of a dog’s daily duties. It pales in comparison to what happens if your dog is actually ANGRY with you. They poop in your shoes. How they can AIM that thing is beyond me, but they do – they take a CRAP DIRECTLY IN YOUR SHOES, often with zero spill over. They eat MORE weird shit than they usually eat, and deliberately barf said shit (like plant matter, plastic, and the corpses of other animals) IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RUG. Dogs may be, now that I think about it, total jerks.
I love my dogs, but I think that they may bear watching. I’ve said for years that if a canine ever figured out how to drive a car and open the fridge, humans will be rendered obsolete and the dogs will probably eat us. I don’t think that situation is likely to crop up very soon. Until then, I guess I’ll just have to deal with my dogs’ protection. I just hope they don’t try to force me to wear a helmet.